Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop #4

In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued.  Then everyone hops around to critique others.

Thanks everyone who commented and helped last week.

Ok so this 250 words is from another WIP- as the other one I need to write more for it (and take a break from it too). This was at first a 100wcgu story but I thought I would progress with it and see how I go…

The storyline so far still needs to be figured out but this scene is where Liberty (the main character) has discovered the King is dead and she is now ruler of Apollo

Here goes…

She stood looking down at what she has just inherited; the Apollo Empire- in all its glory was hers at last. The yellow ball of fire in the sky shone in happiness for Liberty.

With the people cheering to their new ruler the enormous task of what’s to come steadily came into realisation. Biting down hard on the apple she pondered what should be done first.

The new era has begun, and one that will never be forgotten- for Liberty was now queen and she vowed to not repeat history – even if it meant that Apollo had to go into war.  Liberty knew from that moment she would be remembered in history, her legacy will live on through the generations of Apollo- they will name the stars after her, the gods will favour her and she will become immortal.

I had to kill my Uncle or Apollo would have perished. She had to set her people that look up at her now free from his evil rule, especially when he decided to join forces with Titian. I saved them from a future not worth living in.

Liberty faced reality again and turned, chucking the apple core to her favourite dragon Spartus and moved inside.

“My Queen, what shall we do with the body?” A voice from the back of the room asked nervously

Liberty glanced at the body- pale and stained with blood from the mouth where the poison worked its fateful job.

“I guess we shall burn it as tradition tell us- I on the other hand rather feed him to the dragons”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Go have a look at other writings!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com/

http://www.mandyevebarnett.com/

http://womanbitesdog.wordpress.com/

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com/

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com/

http://jordannaeast.com/

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com/

http://writerscrash.blogspot.co.uk/

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

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8 Responses to Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop #4

  1. JackieP says:

    I personally like any story with dragons! 🙂 It’s interesting. I enjoyed reading it. The last sentence though needs one more word. You have ” I on the other hand rather feed him to the dragons” should be “I on the other hand would rather feed him to the dragons”

  2. has just inherited – would this read better with ‘had’ instead of has? With a few editing changes it will read well. Did she poison her uncle? That is the impression I got.

  3. My only question is the same as last commenter: Did she poison her uncle?
    Interesting reading. I like it.

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