Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop #3

In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued.  Then everyone hops around to critique others.

Last week I learnt ALOT, AGAIN! Thanks everyone!

Ok so this 250 words is where Nathan see’s Ruby again (as saw each other at the coffee shop earlier that day-she was buying crossants) This would be my longest conversation piece so far and not sure if done it right…

Here goes…

“We meet again” he chuckled

“So we do- your not stalking me are you” she smiled

“Well if I didn’t work here then I would be”

“Oh, what do you do? She looked suprised

“Im head chef- how rude of me, let me introduce myself im Nathan” he held out his hand

“Hey, im Ruby” she took his hand and shook it “I was meeting a client”

“Your not a mystery guest are you?” he said

“Don’t worry your safe, for now! Im an events planner, new business”

“Sounds nice- did you give your client a crossant?”

“No, I ate them all” she said with what he thought was a hint of teasing

“So is someone having a party here? Will I be cooking?” Nathan asked

“Yes she is and maybe, depends if your cooking is good ” she said with a soft tone

“Well it looks like we will see more of each other then” he grinned

“I guess so” smiling she took out her business card and handed it to him

He looks at the business card- it is white with tiny blue stars spreading from the side and on the top a blue wand with the name of her agency

“The Fairy Godmother” Nathan mused

“Yes? As in Cinderella, making your event like a fairy tale dream” Ruby chirped “what? Why you looking like your going to laugh? It’s a good name!” she said

“Oh im sure it is- I just don’t believe in fairytales” he smiled

……………………………………..

Go have a look at other writings!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com/

http://www.mandyevebarnett.com/

http://womanbitesdog.wordpress.com/

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com/

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com/

http://jordannaeast.com/

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com/

http://writerscrash.blogspot.co.uk/Image

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12 Responses to Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop #3

  1. JackieP says:

    It sounded like a good conversation to me. I’m pretty new at this writing stuff myself, so hopefully we can help each other out. 🙂

  2. I can’t really get into anything without pointing out the lack of ending periods, commas, and apostophies. Is this intentional? I found it so distracting I had trouble reading.

  3. rlmorgan51 says:

    Before I start…YOU’RE MISSING PERIODS at the end periods at the END OF EACH SENTENCE. I decided to do a line by line critique. My suggestions/comments are located between [ ] And watch out for the misspelling/use of homonyms.
    “We meet again” he chuckled. [OK]
    “So we do- your not stalking me are you” she smiled [So WE HAVE=present tense. AND YOU’RE not stalking me. [colloquial speech usually use contractions] ARE YOU? [You’re raising a question here of Nathan]
    “Well if I didn’t work here then I would be” [WELL, ..otherwise good suggestive response.]
    RUBY MERELY SMILED. [You need a physical response here to Nathan’s answer.]
    “Oh, what do you do? She looked suRprised [ OKAY, what do you HERE? = oversight. Rest can be delete as you’ve already stated how she reacted.]
    “Im head chef- how rude of me, let me introduce myself im Nathan” he held out his hand. [I’M SORRY I HAVEN’T INTRODUCED MYSELF YET; I’M NATHAN AND I’M THE HEAD CHEF HERE = Missing contractions in colloquial speech / word order. Inappropriate = How rude of me = confession ] End of sentence is OK
    “Hey, im Ruby” she took his hand and shook it “I was meeting a client” [RUBY TOOK HIS HAND AND SHOOK IT] [NEW PARAGRAPH = “I’M RUBY.” HEY=is kind of a rude response here.]
    “Your not a mystery guest are you?” he said. [YOU’RE…guest COMMA are you? = You need to set off the question from the rest of the sentence.]
    “Don’t worry YOU’RE safe, for now. I’M an events planner FOR new businessES.”
    “Sounds nice- did you give your client a croIssant?” [Pay attention to the SPELL CHECK feature on WORD]
    “No, I ate them all” she said with what he thought was a hint of teasing. […” REPLIED RUBY WITH A HINT OF GLEE IN HER VOICE.]
    “So is someone having a party here? Will I be cooking?” Nathan asked. [IS SOMEONE…? Will I be PREPARING THE FOOD? = Remember, Nathan and Ruby are having a business conversation, words like “SO” are inappropriate.]
    “Yes she is and maybe, depends if your cooking is good ” she said with a soft tone. [YES. MY CLIENT IS HAVING A PARTY, AND DEPENDING ON HOW GOOD YOU’RE COOKING WILL DECIDE IF IT WILL BE HERE. = Remember, since Nathan is the head chef, he’ll definitely be involved with cooking it. You were signing mixed signals when you stated YES and then MAYBE when you stated it depended on how good the food is.]
    “Well it looks like we will see more of each other then” he grinned. “…WE’LL BE SEEING = future conditional. Watch out for the overuse of TAGS to tell us who’s speaking, you only have two people here. And we don’t need to know the manner in which your characters are speaking each time you indicate which one is speaking, allow your reader to envision for themselves.
    “I guess so” smiling she took out her business card and handed it to him. “I guess so,” REPLIED RUBY AS SHE HANDED NATHAN HER BUSINESS CARD. = It is understood if she’s handing Nathan her business card, she had to take it out of something.
    He looks at the business card- it is white with tiny blue stars spreading from the side and on the top a blue wand with the name of her agency. “The Fairy Godmother” Nathan mused.
    First of all, you need to combine these two paragraphs as they’re connected, and then rewrite. [ READING THE NAME OF HER AGENCY NATHAN SMILED AS HE SAW THE TINY BLUE STARS AND WAND ON IT.] MUSED I feel sends the wrong image to the reader, mused implies he thought about it instead of responding to it.
    “Yes? As in Cinderella, making your event like a fairy tale dream.”
    NATHAN BEGAN TO SMILE EVEN MORE.
    Ruby chirped “what? Why ARE you looking like YOU’RE going to laugh? It’s a good name!” she said [SEEING NATHAN’S RESPONSE, RUBY REMARKED. WHAT?…]
    “I’M sure it is- I just don’t believe in fairytales.” [Delete OH – remember they’re still having a business conversation.]

    I invite you and your following to check out the UNEDITED SNIPPETS from my book I’ve posted under the GHOSTLY WHISPERS category of my blog. Feedback welcomed

  4. caitlinstern says:

    You are, as mentioned previously, missing punctuation and capitalization.
    Dialogue looks like this:
    “How’re you doing?” He leaned on the counter top next to her.
    or this:
    “Hey,” she smiled up at him.
    Note the punctuation within the quote marks and the capitalization if the speaker is using a complete sentence. This is an easy fix, though.
    I sense the flirting, but this is meant to be a semi-serious conversation, right? You might want to downplay the smiling, chuckling, laughing, etc.

  5. lewynskyted says:

    There is evidently a bunch to identify about this. I consider you made certain good points in features also. .watch

  6. I won’t duplicate what has already been mentioned.The conversation sounds natural enough but you need to break it up with someone either crashing into them or a distraction happening in close proximity or, physical tics (padding hair, touching, for example). Great start.

  7. As usual, I’ll not read the other comments before offering mine, so apologises if I’ve covered stuff that has already been mentioned.

    On a general note, you’re missing quite a few full stops, commas and the like, so you’ll probably need a quick pass to add those in. I won’t dwell on those over much and look more at the writing for you.

    More specifically:

    ‘-your not stalking me are you’
    This should probably read ‘you’re’

    ‘she took his hand and shook it’
    Possibly just ‘she shook his hand.’ Saving words in this manner is just a small way of tightening up the writing.

    I’m not sure who’s POV we’re supposed to be in. I thought we were starting out as in with Ruby, but there were a couple of instances when we got into Nathan’s head. Also don’t let yourself slip from past tense to present tense (‘he looks at the business card’)

    I like the banter between these two. The implication, at least to me, is that there is potential for romance there and the line ‘I just don’t believe in fairytales’ has all sorts of promise to it.

    You have a lot of dialogue tags too, which you may find that you don’t need by looking again at the speech. If each character has a distinctive voice, then you need far less tagging to show who is saying what.

    🙂

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