Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop #2

In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued.  Then everyone hops around to critique others.

Last week I learnt ALOT! This is such a learning tool and helpful in so many ways. Thanks everyone!

Ok so this 250 words is a start of a chapter where we meet Penny- another main character and she has turned up in the shop. Again this is a rough first draft and any tips, comments or advise will be brill! (Am working on the tenses btw and soz if they come up again)

🙂

Penny walks up to her desk and turns on the computer knowing that she has enough time to make a cup of tea for herself and the others, as they should be in soon and come back for the screen to wake up and start the day. Taking in the eerie quietness of the shop she walks to the back into the kitchen to start the morning routine.

She was not used to quite surroundings- especially when she had a toddler who is beautiful, but a challenge to say the least. Penny always wondered how she even functioned to get to work and look professional, especially when the toddler in question chucks half of the porridge at her this morning and smiles that cheeky grin that can melt the heart of an ice queen. Luckily it went on her suit and not in her short brown hair that she just washed. Penny turned on the radio for company.

She heard the heating click on in unison with the kettle and she sighed with relief and wondered why it’s this cold in august. Finishing off the teas she went back to the computer happy that it’s in use murmuring away.  Sitting down and stirring her tea she checks her personal emails.  The usual one from the nursery about the parents committee meeting coming up (like she had time to go to that), the bank statement that she never opens then her eyes look at one from Noah nearly spitting out her tea.

……………………………………..

Go have a look at other writings!

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com/

http://www.mandyevebarnett.com/

http://womanbitesdog.wordpress.com/

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com/

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com/

http://jordannaeast.com/

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com/

http://writerscrash.blogspot.co.uk/Image

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15 Responses to Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop #2

  1. rlmorgan51 says:

    Penny walks up to her desk and turns on the computer knowing that she has enough time to make a cup of tea for herself and the others, as they should be in soon and come back for the screen to wake up and start the day. Taking in the eerie quietness of the shop she walks to the back into the kitchen to start the morning routine.
    You have way too much unnecessary detail in this paragraph; you need to strive to make your writing crisper. As a note, the word “THAT” is oft time not needed, using it creates a mental pause for the reader as the read the sentence involved. Try reading your first sentence with/without the word “THAT” Most people like to have their morning cup of “Joe”
    Suggestion for rewrite:
    The moment Penny walked into the eerie quietness of the shop she turned on her computer, and decided to make the staff the morning coffee.
    [Everything else in my opinion is not needed.]

    She was not used to quite surroundings- especially when she had a toddler who is beautiful, but a challenge to say the least. Penny always wondered how she even functioned to get to work and look professional, especially when the toddler in question chucks half of the porridge at her this morning and smiles that cheeky grin that can melt the heart of an ice queen. Luckily it went on her suit and not in her short brown hair that she just washed. Penny turned on the radio for company.
    “WAS” makes a sentence passive. You have the redundant use of the word “ESPECIALLY” in close proximity to each other. Regarding this second paragraph, ask yourself the following questions: Does what I’ve written here move the story ahead? Is this important to the storyline, or is it merely “FLUFF”?
    SUGGESTION:
    You need to keep your reader interested in what’s happening, you don’t want to have them get mired unneeded details.

    She heard the heating click on in unison with the kettle and she sighed with relief and wondered why it’s this cold in august. Finishing off the teas she went back to the computer happy that it’s in use murmuring away. Sitting down and stirring her tea she checks her personal emails. The usual one from the nursery about the parents committee meeting coming up (like she had time to go to that), the bank statement that she never opens then her eyes look at one from Noah nearly spitting out her tea.
    Again I feel much of paragraph, if not the entire paragraph will not add anything to the storyline itself. You also have conflicting information, you state “finishing off the teas” which would mean she drank everything – leaving nothing for her co-workers as you had stated in your first paragraph. And if she had finished her tea and then went back to her computer, where did she get the tea she stirred as she read her emails. Then her eyes look….here you have the wrong tense, furthermore, one reads their emails – and not look it them.

    SUGGESTION:
    Watch out for continuity is what you’re writing, you need to be consistent in what you’re saying.

    JENNY-
    Don’t take any criitcism as criticism. Take it as I do. Take it as a form of guidance and support from one writer to another.

    • Thankyou so much 🙂 as i said its good as it helps me recognise and edit bits. All comments are positive to me 🙂 x

      • rlmorgan51 says:

        Regarding the issue of “tea[s]”.
        I’d forgotten you’re in London-UK and tea would be probably the drink of choice of choice for a morning office beaverage, This brings us to the issue of your intended audience, if it’s going to be in the UK tea would be fine. I’m here on this side of “The Pond” in “The States” living in the NewYork City area, and while I worked. coffee ruled. It’s hard to decide which way to go, generic would be best, and I feel in this case it would be coffee.

        BTW – the message I sent you in GoodReads- I forgot to change the Amazon link to the UK

      • Ooh never thought of that! Cheers! X

  2. Is it ‘quiet’ surroundings in the first sentence, second paragraph? The very first sentence is long & confusing – maybe shorten it – her old computer start up gave her time to make tea…
    I like the last sentence a lot. Good job.

  3. caitlinstern says:

    “Penny walks up to her desk and turns on the computer knowing that she has enough time to make a cup of tea for herself and the others, as they should be in soon and come back for the screen to wake up and start the day.”
    This sentence just… lost me. I had to re-read, and I still wasn’t quite sure what’s going on. It might need breaking up, or trimming. Everyone has a morning routine, whatever they drink. Maybe focus on the routine here?
    I’m perfectly happy to read that she’s drinking tea, despite being from a coffee-drinking country. If you have your setting clear, I think other readers will be good with it, too.
    I’m fairly sure you mean “quiet” surroundings, not “quite surroundings.”
    I agree this bit seems a bit long: “Penny always wondered how she even functioned to get to work and look professional, especially when the toddler in question chucks half of the porridge at her this morning and smiles that cheeky grin that can melt the heart of an ice queen. Luckily it went on her suit and not in her short brown hair that she just washed.”
    Maybe if you show us that she’s glad for the quiet moment, as a few minutes ago, she was frantically changing her clothes and checking her just-washed hair for porridge? It’d give the reader a nice contrast. And we’d get that she savors the quiet while paradoxically missing the chaos. 🙂
    “The usual one from the nursery about the parents committee meeting coming up (like she had time to go to that), the bank statement that she never opens then her eyes look at one from Noah nearly spitting out her tea.” This runs long, too. Maybe break it up, and focus on the action–spitting out tea as an expression of shock.
    Good start, I wonder what’s in that e-mail?

  4. Everyone beat me to most of what I wanted to say. I am still struggling with your tense though. I admit that it could be completely me, but I can’t immerse myself into present tense like this. I feel like I am listening to a news anchor or something.

    Also, you do switch tense now and again. For instance …

    She heard the heating click on in unison with the kettle and she sighed with relief and wondered why it’s this cold in august.

    Feels like you started in past tense, and then the thoug is in present. And August should be capitalized. 🙂

    Good luck with your revisions!

  5. I suppose I don’t have anything to add to the previous commenters’ concerns about the tense and minor spelling errors. But I think that this excerpt may be left on the cutting room floor. It doesn’t seem to be moving in a particular direction. Of course, that’s hard to say when we don’t have the whole puzzle, just a piece. Good luck with the rewrites and we’ll see you next week!

  6. kford2007 says:

    Dang it, everyone beat me to my comments! 🙂 I just have to reiterate what RLMorgan said: There is just too much stuff that is written here that is not needed. Rule of thumb: whatever doesn’t move the story along…CUT! 🙂 Sorry. It’s hard to do sometimes but it has to be done. Good luck and I hope to see you back again next week.

  7. All the bases have been covered here.
    “…and come back for the screen to wake up and start the day.” This is awkward. I know you mean she will have time to come back to the screen. This reads like it has something to do with ‘the arrival of the others’.
    I’m curious about the jaw dropping e-mail.

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